Inner Feelings

Ok i think its time to empty out my feeling onto the internet

i feel like my social circle is changing drastically.

i feel really disconnected to my inner circle of friends and that annoys me but it seems like every time i try to ask them to open up i get the back hand of things.

i really have something to tell someone but im super terrified that it wont be taken seriously.

i am stressed the fuck out but i smile anyway

half the ppl that call me friend i dont view them the same way

i love alot of ppl ( not romantically ) but i feel like they will just joke about it if i tell them

i wish i was closer with ppl sometimes. like i only got one person that i feel comfortable talking about anything with and rite now i feel uncomfortable toward her sometimes cuz its me holding back my inner thoughts and i dont like being burdens to ppl

i hate ppl who dont practice what they preach. like this one girl. not gonna go their but such a hypocrite

i hate missing out on chances.

so like idk y ( well i do ) i really hate being home and its like a disease now. i can be super tired but soon as my feet hit that pane i wanna leave. but of course i have no where to go half the time

i dont feel comfortable with any of my friends to just go to their house and chill. i feel like it has to be an event or something or i have to be invited.

im having a hard time with dealing with some things in my life ( as usual ) its only me so whatever im used to it.

i like to hear ppl problems but i dont like being in the problems. i am neutral. no im not gonna ask her this and tell him this no. thats ur drama and ur problem so u handle it. i can talk u through though.

i disreguard so many of my feelings all the time. its kind of ridiculous

so i want a tatoo. either i want my angel wings or spinal cord done. either one will be great for me.

so um yea i have more to say but of course im not gonna put it on here. so adios for now.

you are a being just being u

The softest part of me
Holds our connection
Pulsing with every thought of you
Inner connect the every nerve thats jumps for you
And Yet all we have shared is a single smile

There is such an eye
that can say so much
why is there no you
where my eye see

the simple sunshine
fluidly flows is presence onto your skin
illuminating your special elegance
Only as you stand

My heaven
You steal away my smile everytime i think
think of what we can be
Such a being that will only complete me

Mmm the wholesome smoothness in your voice
making every hair on my neck rise
as i think of u sexy love

emph sometimes i think
i am i just because you be
oh a being just being you
is more than enough in my mind

my eyes read so sweetly of your spirit
i want to feel u
hear u
be with u
yet i cry
because of the way i feel outside my feeling for u




*unfinished*

As I sit...

Hello

So this week has been a doozie
Ultra highs
Sanking Lows

My mind has just been getting stronger eventhough i have just been disappointing myself sometimes i know i am doing better.

So yea im saving my money and um if i must say so myself im doing pretty well

So lately ive been thinking like having i actually been doing me or doing what everyone else thinks of me. Like at times i think about others before myself or just the fact of what would these certain ppl think of me. Iono is it respect or an unnecessary conscience. never know

Ive been feeling very to myself lately. im not trying to. ive been pretty much reaching out to my friends and stuff but at times i dont get the response i think i was looking for. everyone seems pretty bored with life ( WHAT A TURN ON FOR A CONVO ). so its just been me my music and my sketch book.

So like sometimes i feel like i wanna just stand outside and do yoga. and releave myself of stress. lately its been like a bottle being shaken up with the top on u know its gonna burst soon but u dont know when.

oh i miss alot of ppl. like i know i say it all the time but like im scared to say it to some ppl ( not giving any names ) because i think they'll be like what the fuck. but iono after going through a perioud where u see some ppl everyday and then like never see them u just never appreciate their presence until u dont have it.

Oh im so tired of fighting like shit in my mind. like everytime i sit down i feel like NOOOO DONT THINK ABOUT THAT. OR NOOOOO THINK DIFFERENT THOUGHT. Then i end of thinking about rain ironically. ( i wonder y not sunshine)

OH I LOVE ALL MY FRIENDS ( YEA THE REAL ONES ), the ones who would actually care if im mad about something or help me out when i need it.


Hancock was an excellent movie.

I really want to experience shear bliss one day

I NEED SOME LOVING IN MY LIFE. Ive been wanting to just pamper and be romantic with SOMEONE for a long time but it just seems like im gonna being working everyday of the week like everyday ( as per usual ) i love taking care of ppl

so yea i need to go shopping

i think im gonna stop eating sweets and only drink water after this week

im on a diet

yes this is where i vent i dont care that im talking to no one but its one the only places where i can come to at any hour and just be like HERE IS MY MIND ON A SCREEN

i want to go to fashion school im getting lethal. like my aunt ( the one who is bitter and negative about everything said she likes my drawing today and think i should really go into fashion ---- maybe she can tell my gdad and let him know that i dont wanna be a doctor )

im addicted to cheesecake ( ITS MY WEAKNESS )

oh so i saw this cool ass chick at the mall the other day. it was random that we connected so much in like 5 minutes. i was picking clothes out for my sis with my sis and she told me i was a nice dresser. ( what a simple compliment can do )

I really need to clean my room

yes i like u ( alot ) but um i am very scared of being with u because i dont know what the out come will be. i know its stupid but hey im being honest.

sooo about those tigers....i hate sports

im scared most of the times to tell ppl how i really am so i just say a one word answer or lol + sumthing random. but i just feel like some are not that easy to talk to

i believe in love at first site

Have u ever wanted to ask someone something so bad but never did ?
Have u ever had that one person that u wanted to tell something to but never had the guts too?

i have had that with both.

adios. i love the ppl who are in my life at the moment.
( p.s why does everyone always look at love as romantic but instead of just the sweet appreciation and connection u have with a aperson. let along the bond u have with someone )

Realization

Ok lately ive been letting everything distract me.
Distract me from the things i need to be doing and accomplishing such as loosing weight, doing me, and plain out getting better.

LIke my mind has been on vacation for like 2 days or sumthing. and like i feel really off schedule and or out of my zone.

I have so much shit i need to get off my chest and i think thats what it is. Im not angry but im slowly but surely losing my peace and i dont want that to happen.

But i also have to realize that i cant expect to have ssomeone to talk to every minute sometimes i have to just do the damn thing myself.

I GOT ME MYSELF AND I....

New month

So im ready you guys
FOR WHAT YOU ASK? im ready for my life to change.
what iam scared of completely letting go.

Im sorry im scared of letting go of shit its not my fault.

But i love you of all. thanx for reading
im feeling really iono about stuff.

To begin....

Hello everyone....

Im just loving life loving myself, prolly loving you too.
So i got a new bike it rides perfectly and im gonna be in shape when i come back to school.

Yes this is for dance purposes if you just wanted to know. im not tryna be thin ( i guess ) but i would love to be able to have a lil bit of an appealing body.

Im having an excellent summer so far. LOVE'N IT. Project just smile is in effect. i feel that if you smile from within your exterior forces will be more positive cause you to have a better and more positive and productive day.

i really wanna go to new york and to have my own loft there.

Yea im random and i dont care <3

I miss my nellie and most of all my friends.
I miss ecclectic.

Oh yea im almost flush within my splits.

i feel like being poetic so um imma write a poem today.

I think im scared of taking risks so im holding my feelings back from evolving ( not in one occasion but with many )

anyone care to go out this weekend. feeling a lil olive garden'e

ok i think thats all of my spiratic blogging for now.

Just Smile :)

Have you ever thought you were being pushed to the limit or just have been tested at every second. (YUP). today i just felt like i had something overcome something to explain. yea i have. i just feel like the more i succeed the harder it gets. not like im gonna go and do something stupid and or do something illogical ( just not me ). i just felt like instead of going through all the trouble of talking about why not just push every thing aside and SMILE.

Questions:

-what makes you smile?
-is it someone who just brightens your moment or day?
-do you ever just need that one person to talk to and help you through you pain?

Hey there Dalilah <3

Hola peeps,

I have a new beautiful beta fish. her name is Dalilah. she is so pretty damnit. ok she get it from her dad. ( just joking) her tank looks kinda plain rite now but imma pimp it in a couple of weeks. Prolly make it pink in blue and put some plants up in der. you know after she get used to me and stuff.

well other news in my life is that im doing me. bouta fully dedicate my life to working out and getting as in shape as possible. also dancing my life away. also drawing my fingers off. then learning my brain out. so everything seems pretty extreme but its not im just being dramatic.

Ive been feeling kinda down lately....but again in retrospect im doing still way better than i could be. many ppl would die for my problems ( not even joking ). i was talking to a cousin about his problems in life and they include his mom putting him out, he gotta find 300 to pay for his gfs second abortion ( 1st wasnt from him ), he dont have a job, he wants to drop out, and on top of that his friends trying get him in a gang. SOUNDS KINDA BAD DOESNT IT. Moral of that story is that someones situation is always worst than yours.

Questions for you all:

1. does love have a specific time frame?
2. have you evr felt between a rock and a hard place ?
3. have you ever got tired of hearing something over and over again?

Update. to mi vida

Hello,

I feel great. well im telling myself that. but i do its just that im looking over alot of shit rite now.
This week has been like a big realization in my life. i feel like i am transforming into a whole new person. Im loosing weight, my aspirations are becoming more clear, the people who belong in my life are becoming more definite, but with success comes more struggle.

Like its alot of things im struggling with whether its family or social but im still struggle. but u know what im not even gonna let it get me down or anything. im so sick and tired of wasting my life away by being sad or angry at myself for things ppl do to me. its fine im going to get hurt sometimes but im way stronger than letting them simply break my spirits.

I really like this one person in my life rite now. they simply are amazing. even though i feel pretty connected with them. im not even half way connected or close to them as i should be. i still get nervous when i talk to them. ( ghey ) but yea im gonna let it ride. i was apprehensive but i think they will be a great person to share life with.

I love my sisterss. ( chanel, shannon, brooke, and heather ) they are all great. its funny cuz i cant calll anyone my brother because i never had a male friend or family member that actually treated me like one. ( but i do have biological one but hey who cares )

THANK YOU JESUS FOR ALL THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN ME. YOU NEVER FAIL TO AMAZE WITH YOUR BLESSINGS.

um i also tend to see alot of my so called "friends" being moved down to associates. its just that i need ppl who got my back so if u dont ... i can say hi i can say bye but never can say friend.
I LOVE ALL MY FRIENDS THOUGH.

omg if u have me as a friend on fb feel free to go look at my pics of my experience at the concert last nite. it was excellent.

ok ppl. this was my life in about 2 minutes.

2's mi loves.

The Nature of the Matter..

The Sun shines brightly down on you 

Illuminating your every aspect

Like a blooming flower

Your body is like that of a humming birds

Uniquely suspending my mind 

In time 

Just for the moment our eyes meet

Your touch blows me away

Like a leaf on an autumns day 

No matter how hard i try to hold on 

You simply make me release

I fell for you so softly 

Like a snowflake on a winters day 

Melting instantly on a windows surface

Your warm heart melt me away 

Like a increase in temperature

On any given day

Now our minds dance

Like the movements of clouds in the sky 

We are on an all time high 

I dont even want say good bye 

Because that would insinuate our last meeting 

Now as the sun sets 

You glow 

With the moon and stars 

like the great specimen you are 

hola mi loves

Hey people, 

Im just living another beautiful day. Feeling great. Just doing me. 

AREN'T READY FOR THE SUMMER LIKE ME?

I just feel like there are gonna be alot of accomplishments and breakthroughs for me and everyone i know. 

I love so many people in my life rite now. just so grateful to even be able to talk to others. and some i cant even fathom words to describe how much i appreciate them.

ok well this blog is very short i just felt like telling you guys that. 

2's mi loves. 

Spoken Silence

The wind blew past my window this morning

And it was your name it said 

I timelessly think of you 

When are you not running through my head?

I know i could love you 

Its something i naturally do 

But its something there between us 

Its just me and you 

The silence spoke to me today 

It was telling me about you 

Telling me of your eloquence 

Your style poise 

Things i already knew

And all the things you could make me do 

It told me of your voice 

the spoken beauty of sound 

Yet i heard 

But only when i have spoken of you 

But never really TO You 

The ice has been broken 

The tables seem to be on me 

I cry when i think of it 

But i cant ever let you see

The silence has spoken 

The judgement is made

You are my prized token 

But i know i could never let it be made 

Together we could be 

Hopefully forever 

But only in my selfish mind u rest 

Nothing publicly displayed

I hate to think of this 

I hate feeling this way 

My own desire for you 

Cant even be said 

Silence Unspoken 

Spoken in words i cant comprehend 

Words in a language 

Not even known to man

As our hearts connect 

forming a stronghold on our spirits 

We look deep into each others souls 

Gazing to find ourselves in each other

Silence ran away this evening 

He told me to confide in you 

But he left a note for me to give to you

With my feeling 

And my heart 

It said to "let Silence speak for you" 

and left into the night

Silence has spoken 

Speaking the unheard poetry of cupid 

One thing it could never do 

Is tell you how i feel 

How much i Feel only for you

Im not ready for Silence to decipher our language

But I dont want Silence to get into the way of us

Silence blew past my window this morning 

And it was your name it said 

You in my life is forecasted

None was negated 

Ive never even felt your hand 

But you touched me so 

I asked Silence one promise

That one day i could get close to you 

And feel you in my soul

X and Y

So today was an ok day. 

I just feel very tired and stressed. 

I was listening to this song and it really shadowed what i felt

"Trying hard to speak and fighting with my weakness...when something is broken one should try and fix it so part of the plan. I really want you as my companion, u should be my best friend but i dont know if we can? 

have you ever felt like u could def be with someone but that one lil thing is in the way. 

Well another with that. im feeling great within myself at the moment. i feel content and connected. I know i owe my all to THHHEEEEE ONNNEE AND OONNLLYY GOD. He has blessed me with so much and i know he takes care of all. 

Um im also getting over my whole thing with my mom. Yes i feel like she doesnt love me and yea i really honestly feel like she doesnt care but what can i do rite now about it. Im not going to hinder myself about it and end up in a grave for something that i can easily give to the lord. 

I also feel lie i need to step my game up with my aspirations and dreams and following them. 

1. Fashion is a big deal to me and i know and highly feel i can do that one day main stream. i am going to start another sketch book soon and this time will make my designs bigger and more detailed. 

2.Health Technology/Surgery i really love helping others and seeing others do better. I just fulfills me

3.Dance i love to dance. dance is one of the only ways i can express myself and not care how people view it. 

On another note. im enjoying everyone in my life rite now. taking everything one day at a time.

2's mi loves 

Escapades

So ive lately just been trying to break away this shell ive been living in for 17 years but its not off yet. im not ready i dont think. but im loving all those in my life even if they dont love me ( mom ). Its sometimes hard to do but i know itll get me farther by not dwelling on it. I have many ppl who love me for me and not wat i can do for them . 

THANX ALL WHO CAME AND SUPPORTED ME IN THE SHOW DE TALENTED!! ( lol ) 

even though i feel i didnt do as well as i could have i think everyone has convinced me i did exceptionally well. 

Oh um imma address u as tree. but im falling for you like a leaf ( that was corny  lol ) 

YA IF YOU HAVENT CAUGHT ON I JUST NEEDED TO VENT 

and hey peeps all this dancing is making me lose weight ( i prolly gained it back by tonite at fishbones --- key lime pie was on PIZZZOINT ---- ) 

im just tryna do me. if u coming along for the ride theres room for u too. 

My new philosophy ( well more like one of my beliefs is that ) 

i always have one hand open or free for the ones i care for-- never to busy for a loved one and thats true. 

and um GOOD LOOK ON FINALS NEXT WEEK. TiME FUCK THESE HOES WITH A LAVA COVERS CONDEM COVERED IN A FLEA FILLED LAYER. ( DO NOT ASK ) 

Smilez :)

Ok today i woke up really happy, but throughout the day it was stuff being thrown at me to just make me mad but i just kept smiling. I just was thinking and wondering why did i continue to smile? was because im tired of being sad or is becuase not smiling just is ungrateful to god? Well honestly is both. Im so grateful for what i have and for all ppl ive have come across. So i just want to smile when i think about that. but i also want to be greater and become and acquire even more in life. i really just want to grow from the low burning flame to the blazing fire ( i want that to be me ). I am also so sick and tired telling myself i cant when all i have to do is DO. There is no one holding me back but myself in the end and thats really the truth. This year alone ive just become so much ( more than you can imagine ) whether it has been a man, a mentor, or even just comfortable with myself. I know like im great and can do stuff but rite now im still not at the level i would like to be at so this year is my year. Imma do me with all SMILEZ. 

2's 

Love: Over Compensation

So yea many of times ive felt like bitch you dont love me 

but you sure n the hell would tell anyone you are so proud of me blah blah 

but when they leave you dont even say a word to me ( YEA THAT LOVE )

Dont hate it when ppl feel like giving you a gift or trying to put u on a pedistle is the equivalent of LOVING YOU. 

Thats not what showing love for a person is

SHowing you love them is being there for them and actually telling them and showing them how much you love them with affection. 

So what do you think love is? Can love be unexplainable? 

Fallen Angel

You complete me
You breathe Me
Your Everything to me

I think You think
I speak You speak
And i didnt even have to tell you

We connect
Without the communion of marriage
I would've never thought that i would feel this

Your sent from heaven
Broken wings and all
Your a fallen angel

Snockin Knockin

Hmm today is a doozie.

Ive been encountered by harlots, hoodrats, annoyances and many more ( yet im trying to stay calm :) )

One piece of Kandy is being very nonchalant and careless. and its getting on my nerves.

Hmph.

MY SISTER IS COMING HOME TODAY FROM COLLEGE HELL YEA!!!!

and yea im bored and i want to actually go to the movies tonite anyone want to attend?

Lost

Today i woke up and i felt semi happy but things throught the day just lessened my happiness. 

I just feel like sometimes things dont go my way and they never will. But hey who cares.

In lighter news, i need to go shopping and get some summer clothing. Gotta keep it fresh. 

And what is up with these ppl and their normalcy. Some ppl are morally opposed to being different. STEP OUTSIDE THE BOX U LIVE IN PLEASE. 

I have un questions today: 

How do you feel about marriages at the age of 18? 

DANCE DANCE

So today i danced alot,  i guess many people are starting to have a problem with it. Is just because im a boi who can dance modernly or is it because they cant? Iono but i just feel like i need to ask a question: Is it not ok for me to dance and do what i love? Is it some rule im not abiding by? 

On another note i had a great day but im kinda tired and have alot of stress. but you know what IM SMILING!!! ( YOU SHOULD DO THE SAME )

Love, Dress, Dance

2's 

Hola MUCHACHOS

Hey peeps, 

Today was a great day ( i guess ). BUT SOME TEACHERS HAVE GONE CRAZY. 

My english teacher ( along with many others ) have decided to wait until 14 days until finals to start teaching. Is it a secret plan of theirs to Eff up their students live? ( I THINK SO ). She assigned 2 books ( to be read at the same time ) and a stupid essay that calls for me to research my neighborhood. This is wat we do in Pre Ap English! Hmph!! ITS A CONSPIRACY ( lol ).